The Ever-Evolving Internet vs Your Child
The Internet is powerful, revolutionary, and always evolving to best fit our perceived needs. We basically can have whatever we want, however we want it, and whenever we want it. There is no denial of the impressive power of the Internet. But how does this giant of a machine stack up against your child or your grandchild? Kids are taking risks online, yet they’re scared to take risks socially and academically in the real world. Parents are struggling to curb their own Internet usage and to know when is the right time to give their children a phone. In this video, Insight therapist, Hailley White, shares how you can protect and guide your kids in today’s world.
Transcript
So we’re talking about the Internet, often referred to as the network of networks. It began emerging in the 1970s but wasn’t accessible until the 1990s. It is estimated that more than half of the world’s population has access to the Internet. I’m a little shocked that number is not higher. We continue to see that number grow as smartphones, smart appliances, smart thermostats, smart lighting systems, smart cars, and I think smart pets might be next. You can figure out your banking information, medical files, and the name of The Beatles’ greatest hit in a matter of seconds. The Internet is powerful, revolutionary, and always evolving to best fit our perceived needs. We basically can have whatever we want, however we want it, and whenever we want it.
There is no denial of the impressive power of the Internet. But how does this giant of a machine stack up against your child or your grandchild?
The Internet that I remember is not the same Internet we have now.
I remember the sound of dial-up. I remember there only being one, centrally-located computer in the house. I remember having to wait and even trying to figure out how to get Facebook before it was age appropriate.
My parents were learning with me how to best utilize the Internet, and the pace, while it was faster, wasn’t the pace that we are currently at. Even the most diligent of parents or caretakers are unable to keep up with the swinging door of the updates on the Internet. A life without the Internet for yourself, let alone your child, is almost impossible. So, if we can’t get rid of the Internet, which is not really the answer anyways, we must figure out how to partner with it in a way that creates healthy boundaries and attachment. So how does attachment align with the Internet?
A safe and secure attachment creates the frame in which individuals’ worlds are formed. To create a safe and secure attachment with your child, they need to know that they can feel secure in your presence, express their own needs and wants. They also need to know that they can try things, and regardless of the outcome, they can return back to your refuge. Secure attachment doesn’t mean they won’t do the wrong things. In fact, doing the wrong thing and being able to talk about it is a pillar of secure attachment.
In Jonathan Haidt’s latest book, The Anxious Generation, he says, “The two biggest mistakes we’ve made: over-protecting children in the real world, where they need to learn from vast amounts of direct experience, and under-protecting them online, where they’re particularly vulnerable during puberty.”
Kids are not taking the same risk in the real world that they are taking in the virtual world. Working with teens and children, I can tell you they are driven to find a way to get on their device or the Internet. Every day. I have a kid at school ask me if he can have my phone. I just say, “No, you can’t.” But it’s crazy how they’re terrified to take any risks socially or academically versus what they do online. So instead of them finding their own way virtually, we can help our children by creating opportunities for them to take in the real world. And this doesn’t have to be complex. I recently saw a video where a mom gave her son money to go order food from inside of Chick-fil-A. He was probably around six or seven. She had prepped him on what to order and what to do if anything went wrong. The child came back afterwards and told his mom that even though his knees shook, he was proud of his accomplishments and asked to be able to do it again.
Like I told you all, I have the wonderful privilege of working in an elementary school as a behavior interventionist. We recently had a talent show. We had all sorts of talents. We had poetry readers, singers, dancers. We even had a kid who solved Rubik’s Cubes in a timed manner. It was pretty cool, and I got the chance to be able to prep those kids on performing in front of their families and their friends. And it was so cool to see the pride in their eyes once they got off that stage because they had done something that was so hard. But what was even cooler was that following that we saw a bump in their academics. So they were able to take this risk socially that also led to developments academically as well. So taking risks like this would be an encouragement in their academics, and helping them find calculated adventures offline could be as simple as encouraging them to order from a restaurant, walking to a neighbor’s house to play, or trusting them to find something in a grocery store all on their own.
Another quote from Jonathan Haidt, “We are embodied creatures. Children should learn how to manage their emotions or their bodies in the physical world before they start spending large amounts of time in the virtual world.” So helping our children take calculated risks in physical world so they aren’t taking unobserved ones in the virtual one world is one way to prepare your child.
Another way is to look at your own Internet usage. This is a little bit tougher. So how are you approaching the Internet? How are you approaching your phone time? Are you someone that’s on their phone or device while at dinner or at family events? Do we want the thing for our kids to remember the most about us, that we were absorbed into the virtual world of someone else instead of being physically present with our kids in the most formative years? It’s also really hard to hold an argument against your children about why they shouldn’t have phones if you’re on yours all the time, just gonna tell ya. And they’ll argue really hard.
So you can challenge the current status quo by having device-free meals, days, or trips. Be intentional about setting the phone aside when your children are present. We are all born with our eyes looking for other eyes to be looking back at us. This can’t be done if your device is blocking the eyes of your child.
My last suggestion for you actually comes from local therapist, Sissy Goff. I heard her talk on her recent podcast on her recommendations to parents when it came to giving them access to phones. She said, “Don’t be the first, because you don’t want to be the one that’s trying to figure it all out before everybody else does,” but she also said, “Don’t be the last, because in some ways you do want to help your child, socially.” Her advice was to be the next to last.
Be the next to last so that you’ve seen how other people have put things in place, and then you’re also not the total last, so your kid doesn’t blame you, probably in the 30s or 40s when they’re having to go to therapy. That’s fine.
So part of also one of those guidelines that you could implement is not having secrets, meaning you’re able to access your child’s phone if you need to, which sounds like a little bit of an overstep, but it can also be a form of secure attachment because you have that power, but you’re not going to use it, and your child can know that.
Some other outside resources I just want to give you all is obviously Jonathan Haidt’s new book, The Anxious Generation. There’s also an organization called Protect Young Eyes, which works to equip parents, schools, and government with data and preventative measures to help protect, of course, those young eyes we all cherish so much. I also recommend any content from Sissy Goff and David Thomas, who are the executive directors of Daystar Counseling. They’ve each written books on how to raise emotionally strong boys and girls.
Here’s the deal: I could give you all the scariest statistics behind the Internet and your child. And there’s a lot of them about child sexploitation is on the rise, and about how it’s attacking your data and your time. But I think the point is: to raise children that feel empowered to navigate the ever-evolving Internet with your support and wisdom. This happens through helping your child take healthy risks now, in the physical world, you leading by example, and not being the first or the last but the next to last.