Talking with Your Teen: A Better Way to Connect
Written by Heather Fraser, LPC-MHSP
Teenagers often get a bad rap for their stereotypically poor management of emotions. This is often blamed on hormonal changes, attitude issues, and transitions as they find their place in the world. But this is not the whole story. Teenagers are in a vulnerable place developmentally and require proper resources and support to come into adulthood as well-adjusted, stable humans.
I have worked with teenagers and their parents for over a decade in various settings (camp counselor, youth group, therapy, etc) and can attest that where there are teenagers, there are parents wondering how to navigate the teen years. How do I communicate with my child without it turning into an argument? Why won’t they talk to me about what is going on in their life? I can see they are struggling with something but don’t know how to help. What do we do?
Barriers to communication
Often, teenagers ARE communicating their needs, but it doesn’t always come in verbal format. Who are they spending time around? What hobbies are they engaging in? What behaviors are they showing? Whether or not they are opening up to their parents is only a small fraction of the big picture.
Teenagers could be withholding information (or even lying) as part of a manipulation tactic or to avoid getting caught, but it is equally if not more likely that they don’t know how to communicate about what is going on. Emotions are hard to experience and even harder to put into clear language, especially without practice.
So how can we be approachable parents who have a platform to speak into our children’s lives?
I recommend normalizing difficult emotions, leading with a spirit of curiosity, avoiding assumptions, and validating the underlying emotion.
Normalize hard feelings
If you are a parent to a younger child, you can begin normalizing difficult emotions in your household, but if your children are already in their teen years, it is not too late! Begin with modeling: show them with your own actions and words how to name or label feelings, acknowledge their purpose, and validate the emotion’s existence. This does not mean you need to validate how the feeling is being expressed. Unhealthy or unacceptable behaviors can certainly be addressed while still holding space for the underlying emotion.
Practice labeling your feelings:
“I’m disappointed that the game got rained out.”
“I’m sad that we had to cancel our plans.”
“I’m worried about this meeting at work.”
“It scares me when I hear about road rage incidents on the news.”
Whatever the feeling may be, it helps your children to see that they’re not alone in feeling difficult emotions, and the expectation isn’t to just be happy or content all the time.
Have a spirit of curiosity
A spirit of curiosity seeks understanding, is neutral and open- it is the opposite of criticism. When criticism is the first reaction, teens tend to shut down or simply avoid interaction. If your child fears they will get in trouble when they express themselves, it could lead to a pattern of avoidance. Curiosity can also be a collaborative dialogue: “I wonder what else you could have done to get my attention rather than yelling,” or “how could you respond differently next time when you are angry?”
Curiosity can and should be paired with firm boundaries. “It isn’t okay that you aren’t completing your school work, we will need to spend time this week catching up. What would help you catch up?” Your rules of the house and expectations are still in place, but the consequences can come AFTER you and your child connect and understand one another’s perspective.
Don’t make assumptions
Making assumptions and being critical (even if well intended) can get in the way of open dialogue with your teen. Even if you have a hunch as to why your child is behaving a certain way, let them tell you themselves. If your child is isolating in their room all day and withdrawing from those around them, it could be due to feeling sick, dealing with depression, pursuing a hobby or interest, processing a situation with peers, or any number of other reasons. Asking questions and seeking their explanation will open space for further communication. When your child knows they will have their day in court to explain themselves and be heard, they tend to be more open in daily interactions. What could be labeled as lazy or defiant could really be distraction, depression, confusion, illness, or even something deeper.
Validate the underlying feelings
Validation is just acknowledging that the emotion exists for your child. It does not mean you would feel that way if you were them. And it certainly doesn’t mean you approve of the way they showed the feeling. Some ways to validate are: “I see you are upset,” “I can understand how scary that would be,” “I’m hearing you say you felt ____ when _____happened.”
Now let’s put it all together
Let’s say a 16-year-old is struggling at school. Her parents have been keeping tabs on her grades and noticing some Zeros and missing assignments. With the above strategies in mind, here is how a conversation could go:
Parent: How was school this week? I know the end of the quarter coming up can be stressful, at least it was when I was in school. [normalizing feelings]
Child: School is fine, I guess it has been busy with final projects starting up.
Parent: I noticed you have some missing assignments. Is there something you need help with? [curiosity and allowing for child to provide reason, not making assumptions]
Child: My math teacher hasn’t put grades in for weeks. I know the assignments are turned in for that class. I missed a history test last week when we went to the dentist, and I haven’t been able to make it up yet since I have all these projects to do before the quarter ends.
Parent: It sounds like the work is piling up. Is there anything I can do to help? [collaboration and continued curiosity]
Child: I think I have it under control, but can you ask me again in a few days to make sure I don’t forget?
Parent: Of course, it can be hard to remember things when there is so much going on. [validating underlying feeling of overwhelm]
In this example, as cheesy as it may be, the dialogue is open to solving problems together. Not all conversations will go this smoothly, especially if these strategies are newer in your home, but it goes to show how these strategies can combine to create an open and approachable dynamic with your teenager. Practice makes progress and consistency is key to seeing lasting change in communication patterns. It won’t be perfect the first time, and likely not even the tenth time. But you should see improvement over time.
What if we need more help?
As everything with humans, there is a spectrum of behaviors and if there is something more going on, additional support may be needed.
Individual counseling for your teen, yourself, or both of you. Counseling would be helpful if there is any sort of mental health diagnosis at play, if dangerous behaviors are surfacing, or if someone is dealing with stressors that have them at or past their emotional capacity. When functioning is impaired (poor self-care, difficulty in social interactions, poor academic performance, issues at work), a trained professional can provide therapeutic support to get back to safety and stability.
Mediation from a friend, church leader, or other third-party during arguments could also be helpful. This could be someone helping to make sure everyone gets to say their piece and ensure communication stays calm and does not escalate. If mediation does not suffice, family therapy can be beneficial to unlearn negative communication patterns and gain more effective communication skills.
Heather Fraser, LPC-MHSP, helps clients heal from trauma, navigate life transitions, and manage stress and anxiety. She has appointments available at Insight’s office in the Donelson neighborhood of Nashville and through telehealth.